My dear girl,
Although it's been a while since our paths crossed, it only seems like a moment. I remember vividly how you felt during the teenage years, how you looked at the world and how hard much of it seemed. There are so many simple, basic things that I wish you had known then, because ignorance is a terrible inhibitor.
Even worse, you were so conscious of your ignorance and inexperience that it kept you not only from behaving authentically, but from actually feeling authentic and valued for it.
One the main things I've learnt is that it's OK to ask questions. You didn't have to pretend you'd read a book when you hadn't, didn't have to be perfect. Because the truth is - no-one's perfect. No-one knows everything, no-one's completely beautiful, no-one has no worries at all.
You used to think that reality was a state you might achieve if you grew up enough. Now I know that reality is whatever you make it, and that if you don't like the movie of your life, you can change the script. You have so many choices, and your teenage years are the best time to experience as much as you can of what the world has to offer.
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You used to stop yourself trying new things because you were worried what people would think, you were scared things might not work out, or you were preoccupied with superficial stuff, particularly relationships and how you looked.
From where I stand now, those people whose opinions you cared about, and the ones you were in relationships with have not been part of my life for decades, and they sure as hell didn't make any concessions or compromises for me!
And as for things not working out, I know now that even when things fail spectacularly, that I'll still be OK, and the people who love me will still love me.
99.99% of the things you worry about never happen, and to spend precious time being anxious about things that don't matter is much ado about nothing.
More than anything else, I wish you'd been free of concern about the way you looked.
You were never confident that you were pretty enough or appealing or worthy enough, and were absurdly grateful when someone seemed to think you were acceptable.
Mirka Mora was once asked whether she regretted anything about her past, and she said "That I didn't know I was beautiful when I was beautiful".
I wish someone had made you believe that you were perfectly OK as you were - you didn't have to pretend to be prettier or cleverer or more out there than anyone else.
I wish I could have given you the confidence to fly, to have faith in yourself and to draw strong boundaries that no-one could get past. You put up with so much that you shouldn't, because it never occurred to you that you deserved better.
I wish I could give you a huge hug, and convince you that you're as good as anyone; not special, but unique, and that that uniqueness is something to be treasured and celebrated, not hidden behind a wall of conformity and uncertainty.
Love,
Me.